A Simple Explanation of Obamacare and Government Shutdown

It's a very confusing time to be an American. The Government claims to be shutting down, but they still want us to pay taxes so they can continue collecting paychecks even after laying themselves off. Then, on the other side of town, you have Obama foaming at the mouth, just waiting for the government to turn itself on again so that he can force your doctor to give you a surgery that makes you gay (so that while you're in recovery from said surgery his secret Chinese police can take your guns away.)

All joking aside (and that was a joke, by the way... in reality, Obama's secret police are managed by Mexican drug cartels) the events leading up to the government shutdown are as confusing as they are unsettling. Perhaps the only thing more unclear is what Obamacare actually is.

So basically I'm going to explain it now as a favor to my fellow countrymen... feel free to get friends together and stage a dramatic reading.

REPUBLICAN: We need to end entitlement programs! We've become a nation of freeloading welfare queens. We must find ways to stop people from abusing the system!!!

BREAKING NEWS: The Affordable Care Act has been signed into law and will take effect in 2014! This law requires ALL AMERICANS to purchase their own health care. This will STOP FREELOADERS FROM ABUSING THE SYSTEM. No longer will scumbags be able to simply walk into emergency rooms for medical care and never pay, leaving the rest of us hardworking Americans to foot the bill. Now EVERYONE will be responsible for THEIR OWN HEALTH CARE COSTS, and only those who legitimately qualify for government-subsidized health care programs will receive any sort of free or discounted medical services.

REPUBLICAN: Hooray! No more dirtbags scamming free health care on the taxpayer dime! Also, all of my rich insurance executive friends will make even more profits! The Affordable Care Act sounds great!

BREAKING NEWS: The Affordable Care Act was a black guy's idea.

REPUBLICAN: OH MY GOD, NO!!! WE NEED TO IMMEDIATELY START TELLING LIES ABOUT THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT!!! EVERYBODY, START TELLING THE WORST AND GREATEST LIES YOU CAN INVENT!!! ALSO, STOP CALLING THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT... IT IS HENCEFORTH TO BE KNOWN AS OBAMACARE!!!

DISNEY-VILLIAN-LOOKING LADY RIDING A MOOSE: Obama is going to have a jury of Iranians pre-determine a death date for every American!!!

REPUBLICAN: I know it makes absolutely no sense to refer to a program that compels people to buy a service from a for-profit insurance company "socialist" BUT... do you think anybody will notice if we start calling Obamacare "socialist medicine" as another scare tactic?

REPUBLICAN 2: I don't know... I mean, it's actually like the COMPLETE FUCKING OPPOSITE OF SOCIALISM... buuuuut... yes, let's do that!

DISNEY-VILLIAN-LOOKING LADY RIDING A MOOSE: OBAMACARE = SOCIALIST EPIC FAIL #OBUMMER

BREAKING NEWS: ... something, something, Miley Cyrus...

[whispers in background: hey, should we tell the American people that these Obamacare claims from the right wing are all crazy lies?

no, this shit is WAY better for the ratings of our "news" programs than the truth would be.

Oh, okay. I will do another piece on Miley Cyrus instead maybe.

That sounds like a really good idea. I love being inside the TV.]

REPUBLICAN: Now that we've created many good and insane lies, we will be able to repeal Obamacare!

BREAKING NEWS: Everyone hates you and you still do not control the White House or the Senate soooooo I guess you will be NOT repealing Obamacare. Super sorry lolz.

REPUBLICAN: You asked for it!!! If I don't get my way, I'm going to quit playing!!! THEN NOBODY WILL HAVE A GOVERNMENT, HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?!

SANE AMERICAN CITIZEN: Wait, you're CRIPPLING the GOVERNMENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA just because you're a sore loser? You would rather INTENTIONALLY DESTROY OUR NATION than let the President implement a piece of legislation that was legally created under the rules of our constitution?! Isn't that basically terrorism?!

REPUBLICAN: NO, YOU'RE TERRORISM!!! AND MY DAD CAN BEAT UP YOUR DAD!!!

END SCENE.

Shitty Conservative Memes

Sometimes the shit pumped out by conservatives when they think they're being clever on the internet makes me so violently enraged that it's actually enjoyable to feel so much pure loathing washing through every cell of my being. Or maybe I just have a severe personality disorder.

Here's some memes I love to hate.

Paul Ryan meme - Girl, you must be an Obama entitlement program because you are definitely raising my interest rate.

Reasons this meme is fucking dumb:

1.) Obama actually didn't invent welfare. I know it was way too long ago to remember, but there were also like ten or twelve people in the world using food stamps and other "entitlements" during the Bush administration.

2.) It doesn't look like Paul Ryan is trying to pick up a woman; it looks like he's giggling at a brown person whose unemployment is about to run out and doesn't know how they're going to feed their children.

3.) "Interest rate" and "cock" don't even rhyme.

Ronald Reagan meme - This man didn't spend his entire first term blaming Jimmy Carter.

Reasons this meme is fucking horrible:

1.) Jimmy Carter didn't start an illegal war, sending Americans to their deaths for reasons that were never defined and making the rest of the world hate us.

2.) Jimmy Carter was not a barely-literate douchepuppet with a creepy ogre of a VP pulling his strings.

3.) George Bush does not care about black people.

Obama meme - "The rich don't pay their fair share." / Receives more taxpayer-funded perks than Royal Family.

Reasons this meme is fucking stupid:

1.) We don't have a royal family in this country. Assuming this is a reference to the British Royal Family, why the fuck would ANY American tax dollars go to "perks" for them?

2.) The royal family is a FUCKING ROYAL FAMILY. Royal families are typically FUCKING RICH. The President of the United States of America is a JOB, which is actually somewhat different than BEING A MEMBER OF A CERTAIN FAMILY... so if by "perks" you mean HIS FUCKING SALARY, then yes. 

*** BREAKING FUCKING NEWS: George Bush and Ronald Jizzragen ALSO RECEIVED MORE TAXPAYER-FUNDED PERKS THAN THE ROYAL FAMILY! ***

3.) What the fuck is up with the hibernating bear superimposed on his head?

Obama meme - "Members of Congress aren't doing their jobs" / Gives them a pay raise

Reasons this meme is fucking awful:

1.) The position of POTUS entails many duties. But Human Resources director for Congress is actually NOT FUCKING ONE OF THEM. Obama has never "given" Congress a pay raise... if this is supposed to allude to the fact that Congress gave THEMSELVES a pay raise on Obama's watch, then guess what: EVERY FUCKING PRESIDENT EVER HAS "GIVEN" CONGRESS A PAY RAISE.

2.) Congress isn't fucking doing their jobs; do Conservatives suddenly disagree with this just because a black guy mentioned it now?

3.) What the fuck is up with the hibernating bear superimposed on his head?

Ron Paul - Whiny Bullshit Excuses Multi-Meme

Reasons this meme is fucking pathetic:

1.) Yeah, I get it, people on the internet think Ron Paul is awesome... but do you really think you're going to put him over .0001% of the popular vote by putting together a nine-panel super-meme of pouty reasons we should all feel ashamed of ourselves for not giving a shit about him? The best memes are hilarious in clever ways, sometimes subtle, sometimes offensive, but always with a sharp, zingy point. But this? This is a bunch of passive-aggressive pussy shit that just makes me feel embarrassed for whoever created (and subsequently jerked off to) it. If your meme can be described as long-winded, you're probably doing it wrong.

2.) Ron Paul makes a lot of good points when he does his gloom-and-doom act about the economy, but he's also a creepy old racist, homophobic fartknocker. Yeah, I said it. He's a fucking FARTKNOCKER. And he named his son after a character in a mediocre science fiction novel, which is almost as sad as the fact that there are a bunch of people who think that Ayn Rand was anything more than a mediocre science fiction author.

3.) Ron Paul is from Texas.

laugh out loud, winking face.

Terrible Right-Wing Political Cartoons: Entering the Right-Wing Mind Through Comics

Today, we travel into the core of the modern "conservative" (read, "bat-shit crazytarded") mindset using comics!

So sit back and enjoy trying to wrap your mind around some of the crazy-ass shit that half of our country actually believes--in whimsical cartoon form!

Note: I don't own the rights to any of these comics. I use them here for educational purposes... or something.

Let's start with an entry in the classic "being gay is a choice and/or evil" category... a right-wing talking point that was totally under-represented in the arena of political cartoons... until now!

 

I don't know what this one even means, but it's provocative! The dog is apparently a liberal and is making a point about something, but I think maybe it's done sarcastically? I'm not sure; it would be easier to figure out if it made any fucking sense.

 

Wait, what?! Does Mickey Mouse hate gay people, or is he just offended to the point of violence by the other character's over-the-top stereotypical lisp? Either way, talk about a total cream puff inhaler...

Ohhh, come on... besides, why would the illegitimate love child of President Obama and the Allstate voiceover guy care about a "WHITE HOUSE" sign at the North Pole?

Hahaha! GET IT, A MOUSE!!! Obama is LITERALLY GIVING TAXPAYER MONEY TO MICE!!! These right-wing cartoonists are just too much!!!

 

I must have missed this when it was on TV. But I'm sure it actually happened, otherwise why would a conservative draw it as an unattractive cartoon and post it on the internet?

 

 

Oh, what? Now we're gonna let androgynous bunnies wear skirts to high school and hang out with robots?!?! THAT'S IT, I'M DONE LIVING IN THIS FUCKED UP WORLD *EATS A BUNCH OF POISON AND DIES*

 

*COMES BACK TO LIFE FOR A LITTLE WHILE* Here's a bonus link for making it to the end of the article (which means you obviously enjoy your crazy.) Snappy Comebacks for "Feminist Misinformation" from the good folks at MAN, WOMAN & MYTH.