Guaranteed Pick Up Lines that Work

I once wrote an article full of Awesome Pick Up Lines, and it was really popular and got lots of people laid hundreds of times. Not a day goes by where I don't get at least ten phone calls from strangers saying, “Yo! I read your pick up lines. I was skeptical at first, but I was amazed to find out that they really work! My shit is all raw 'cause I've been rad-donging hot babes left and right ever since I went on the internet that day!” And I'm all like, “Yeah? That's cool.”

 

So anyway, I decided to write a follow-up article. Here are 25 more pick up lines that work! Guaranteed! *

1. Do you have a library card? Because you should probably check out some books on makeup and fashion—just saying.
2. I'm sorry, I'm really bad at talking to girls. But I just think you're super pretty and I'd love to buy you a drink. Sike, ho! Give me several dollars and go wait in the car!!!
3. Damn girl! If being sexy was a crime... well, then we'd be living in a fucked-up police state. Wanna go to my uncle's house and hear him complain about Obama? He touched me when I was little, but we get along pretty good now.
4. [As she's leaving] Hey girl, aren't you forgetting something?
   [Girl] What?
   [You] Your purse!
   [You steal her purse and run to your house and she probably follows you. She'll act pretty mad, but then someday like at your 25^th wedding anniversary she'll look back on it and laugh.]
5. You like to live dangerously, girl? I have three STDs and an expired condom, so wussup?
6. Yo baby, you must be a broom... because there's a bunch of dirt and shit in your hair. Would you like to have sex using my penis?
7. Yo, I'd love to practice safe sex... if they made condoms that fit me... unfortunately, they always slip off.
8. Yo, I got a two-inch wiener and I'm a compulsive liar... wanna not go not have sex on opposite day?!
9. [You] You have five seconds to give me your phone number.
   [Her] Or what?
   [You] Or the fucking bomb goes off, what the fuck do you think?!
10. Actually we're only second cousins so it doesn't matter. I asked your mom about it and she says it's cool if I rad-dong you.
11. Girl, are you from Tennessee? Because you're an idiot.
12. I have weird foreskin that I can actually tie in a knot out in front of the head of my penis like a garbage bag, so we're going to save a ton of money on condoms.
13. Your dad must have been a Satanic Cult Priest, because you seem like a fucking weirdo. I like your tits though.
14. Sup baby? Wanna feed me pizza rolls and bathe me with baby wipes while I play Skyrim for 72 hours?
15. [You] Excuse me? Did you say something?
    [Her] No.
    [Then you have sexual intercourse with her.]
16. Hello, I'm Keith Blackwater.
17. If I said you had a great body, would you hold my beer while I rad-dong your sister in the bathroom?
18. What's up, girl? My mom does my laundry.
19. How do you like your eggs? Just kidding, you're not allowed to sleep over, but I'll give you a ten-minute grace period to clean off my dong syrup before you jog home. Bring your own towel, please. Mine are rather expensive.
20. Don't worry, I won't brag about you to my friends; I don't have any friends.
21. Don't worry, I won't brag about you to my friends; you're not attractive and I'm only interested in entering you because I'm intoxicated beyond the point that I can make good choices.
22. Don't worry, I won't brag about you to my friends; they're usually pretty cool, but there's no sense in incriminating myself.
23. Hey girl, I once wasted two minutes reading a list of 25 guaranteed pick up lines that work, and it wasn't that bad... all I'm asking is that you waste two minutes letting me insert and remove my penis rapidly into the orifice of your choice. I will let you watch my Game of Thrones Blu-Rays.
24. Yo girl, all the other guys up in here are looking for a 10. But if 3 is good enough for the Holy Trinity, it's good enough for me, A'IIIIIGHT?!
25. Would you like to make ten dollars?

*Not actually guaranteed to work. For entertainment purposes only.**

 

**But no seriously, these really are guaranteed to work, that last part was just a joke.***

 

***Just kidding.

Reasons to Give Up on Life

Disclaimer: this article contains reasons and rationales for "quitting life" in an abstract sense: quitting your meaningless career, closing your failing business, putting your box of hobby-related items back in the garage, or finally leaving your ridiculous spouse. You know--little things. If you're considering "quitting life" in a more literal sense, you should stop reading this article and visit this website instead.

This whole "life" thing is pretty difficult. But should you dare to acknowledge this fact out loud, your friends and family will inevitably tell you to hang in there, follow your dreams, and reach for the stars. When the going gets tough, the tough get going, because after all, you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. After the rain comes a rainbow, and no painbow equals no gainbow.

But those encouraging words are worth little when you realize that anything that can possibly go wrong will go wrong. For every step forward, you take two steps back. And when you look for meaningful help, all you find is a facetious online article filled with unabashed cliche-dropping.

Contrary to popular rhetoric, simply giving up on life is actually kind of difficult. Mostly because you don't want to look like some jerk--quitters never win, after all--nor do you want to explain your decision to the aforementioned friends and family. Thankfully, there are many valid reasons to give up on life. Whether you need talking points for your churchgoing aunt or your impressionable nephew, here are some angles from which you can defend your decision to quit life.

Health
Countless studies have proven a very real link between stress and serious physical health problems. Is "succeeding" in life worth an extended stay in the hospital--or an early grave?

Religious
Before contemporary Republicans hijacked and copyrighted the concept of religion, the Judeo-Christian tradition was actually pretty clear in its teachings that wealth and vanity (i.e., being successful in the modern world) were not only sins, but really extreme sins. (The idea being that anyone who wants to hoard riches and demand respect from others is trying to put themselves on a god-like level.) Like, if stealing is Cool Ranch Doritos, then being rich is Doritos Jacked X-Treme Habanero Buffalo. To make matters worse, the American idea of success generally promotes stealing, so now you're both kinds of Doritos in the Lord's eyes. Is "succeeding" in life really worth your immortal soul?

Philosophical
The definition of philosophy is thinking something or other about life and then saying it in a deep way. So basically all you have to do to justify giving up on philosophical grounds is follow two simple steps. First, you have to want to give up on life, which you already do because you just searched the internet for reasons to do it. The second step is to say something clever like, "Hey, man, is 'succeeding' in life really worth the burden of inner unhappiness and spiritual disturbance that it will cost me in the long run?"

Metaphysical
Every decision we make creates a parallel universe in which we made any number of other decisions. This is actual, real science. (I know, right?!) Think back on all the terrible decisions you've made, then take comfort in knowing that a universe exists in which you weren't such an idiot. You (a different you, but still a you-like entity that intersected with your existence at some point in the past) are actually already brilliant and successful somewhere in the vapors of space-time. Is "succeeding" in life really worth all that time and effort when you've already succeeded in an infinite number of other universes?

Geological
Scientifically-speaking, we are overdue for super-volcanoes, fire tornadoes, and geomagnetic reversal. So, basically, what's the point? If the world explodes tomorrow, what should you be doing tonight? Cracking a beer and playing the Wii with your kids? Or finishing a spreadsheet because your boss "never learned how to Excel?"

Intellectual
Is "succeeding" in life really worth anything in a system that allows Kenny Chesney, Donald Trump, and the gang from Pawn Stars to succeed in life?