Shitty Conservative Memes

Sometimes the shit pumped out by conservatives when they think they're being clever on the internet makes me so violently enraged that it's actually enjoyable to feel so much pure loathing washing through every cell of my being. Or maybe I just have a severe personality disorder.

Here's some memes I love to hate.

Paul Ryan meme - Girl, you must be an Obama entitlement program because you are definitely raising my interest rate.

Reasons this meme is fucking dumb:

1.) Obama actually didn't invent welfare. I know it was way too long ago to remember, but there were also like ten or twelve people in the world using food stamps and other "entitlements" during the Bush administration.

2.) It doesn't look like Paul Ryan is trying to pick up a woman; it looks like he's giggling at a brown person whose unemployment is about to run out and doesn't know how they're going to feed their children.

3.) "Interest rate" and "cock" don't even rhyme.

Ronald Reagan meme - This man didn't spend his entire first term blaming Jimmy Carter.

Reasons this meme is fucking horrible:

1.) Jimmy Carter didn't start an illegal war, sending Americans to their deaths for reasons that were never defined and making the rest of the world hate us.

2.) Jimmy Carter was not a barely-literate douchepuppet with a creepy ogre of a VP pulling his strings.

3.) George Bush does not care about black people.

Obama meme - "The rich don't pay their fair share." / Receives more taxpayer-funded perks than Royal Family.

Reasons this meme is fucking stupid:

1.) We don't have a royal family in this country. Assuming this is a reference to the British Royal Family, why the fuck would ANY American tax dollars go to "perks" for them?

2.) The royal family is a FUCKING ROYAL FAMILY. Royal families are typically FUCKING RICH. The President of the United States of America is a JOB, which is actually somewhat different than BEING A MEMBER OF A CERTAIN FAMILY... so if by "perks" you mean HIS FUCKING SALARY, then yes. 

*** BREAKING FUCKING NEWS: George Bush and Ronald Jizzragen ALSO RECEIVED MORE TAXPAYER-FUNDED PERKS THAN THE ROYAL FAMILY! ***

3.) What the fuck is up with the hibernating bear superimposed on his head?

Obama meme - "Members of Congress aren't doing their jobs" / Gives them a pay raise

Reasons this meme is fucking awful:

1.) The position of POTUS entails many duties. But Human Resources director for Congress is actually NOT FUCKING ONE OF THEM. Obama has never "given" Congress a pay raise... if this is supposed to allude to the fact that Congress gave THEMSELVES a pay raise on Obama's watch, then guess what: EVERY FUCKING PRESIDENT EVER HAS "GIVEN" CONGRESS A PAY RAISE.

2.) Congress isn't fucking doing their jobs; do Conservatives suddenly disagree with this just because a black guy mentioned it now?

3.) What the fuck is up with the hibernating bear superimposed on his head?

Ron Paul - Whiny Bullshit Excuses Multi-Meme

Reasons this meme is fucking pathetic:

1.) Yeah, I get it, people on the internet think Ron Paul is awesome... but do you really think you're going to put him over .0001% of the popular vote by putting together a nine-panel super-meme of pouty reasons we should all feel ashamed of ourselves for not giving a shit about him? The best memes are hilarious in clever ways, sometimes subtle, sometimes offensive, but always with a sharp, zingy point. But this? This is a bunch of passive-aggressive pussy shit that just makes me feel embarrassed for whoever created (and subsequently jerked off to) it. If your meme can be described as long-winded, you're probably doing it wrong.

2.) Ron Paul makes a lot of good points when he does his gloom-and-doom act about the economy, but he's also a creepy old racist, homophobic fartknocker. Yeah, I said it. He's a fucking FARTKNOCKER. And he named his son after a character in a mediocre science fiction novel, which is almost as sad as the fact that there are a bunch of people who think that Ayn Rand was anything more than a mediocre science fiction author.

3.) Ron Paul is from Texas.

laugh out loud, winking face.

21st Century Republicans: The Murder Party

At the top of the long list of why Republicans suck worse than they ever have is the fact that they think rape is awesome. Leading up to the 2012 elections, GOP Senate candidate Richard Mourdock said that pregnancies resulting from rape are “a gift from God.”

 

Tea Party creep Todd Akin took it a step further, explaining that in cases of legitimate rape, a woman's body has a way of magically identifying the fetus as a rapebaby and “shutting the whole thing down.” The problem with that explanation, of course, is that it is rooted in a controversial new field of medical study known as “made up shit with no basis in real science.”

 

But let's go back to rape being a gift from God. The general idea here is that everything that happens to anybody is “meant” to happen, no matter how awful it is. Whether you're religious or not, it's important to note that no actual Christian believes this insane shit.

 

The idea of rape being part of God's plan directly contradicts a fundamental Judeo-Christian concept: God gives everyone free will. This includes criminals, who will sometimes choose to use their free will to do horrible shit that God is not into. So the normal Christian view of how something as horrible as rape is possible in a universe where a benevolent God exists is simple: God gives a rapist the same free will that we all enjoy; it doesn't mean that He mandated for a rape to happen.

 

But let's pretend all Christians are this insane, or that Richard Mourdock's special link to his rapegod allows him to know things the rest of us don't. His viewpoint would, by default, also make him pro-murder.

 

Murder is the only crime comparable to rape in its heinousness and its ability to completely destroy a human being. Many people would argue that rape is worse than murder, as it leaves its victims mercilessly alive to try to process the horrors done to them. So if Republicans really believe that rape is a gift from God, they cannot logically turn around and say that murder is not also a gift.

 

Served.

 

Of course, this may all be a moot point. We're only talking about cases of legitimate murder here, and from what I understand, that's really rare. In cases of legitimate murder, the human body has a way of trying to shut that whole thing down. Namely, by dying.