A Simple Explanation of Obamacare and Government Shutdown

It's a very confusing time to be an American. The Government claims to be shutting down, but they still want us to pay taxes so they can continue collecting paychecks even after laying themselves off. Then, on the other side of town, you have Obama foaming at the mouth, just waiting for the government to turn itself on again so that he can force your doctor to give you a surgery that makes you gay (so that while you're in recovery from said surgery his secret Chinese police can take your guns away.)

All joking aside (and that was a joke, by the way... in reality, Obama's secret police are managed by Mexican drug cartels) the events leading up to the government shutdown are as confusing as they are unsettling. Perhaps the only thing more unclear is what Obamacare actually is.

So basically I'm going to explain it now as a favor to my fellow countrymen... feel free to get friends together and stage a dramatic reading.

REPUBLICAN: We need to end entitlement programs! We've become a nation of freeloading welfare queens. We must find ways to stop people from abusing the system!!!

BREAKING NEWS: The Affordable Care Act has been signed into law and will take effect in 2014! This law requires ALL AMERICANS to purchase their own health care. This will STOP FREELOADERS FROM ABUSING THE SYSTEM. No longer will scumbags be able to simply walk into emergency rooms for medical care and never pay, leaving the rest of us hardworking Americans to foot the bill. Now EVERYONE will be responsible for THEIR OWN HEALTH CARE COSTS, and only those who legitimately qualify for government-subsidized health care programs will receive any sort of free or discounted medical services.

REPUBLICAN: Hooray! No more dirtbags scamming free health care on the taxpayer dime! Also, all of my rich insurance executive friends will make even more profits! The Affordable Care Act sounds great!

BREAKING NEWS: The Affordable Care Act was a black guy's idea.

REPUBLICAN: OH MY GOD, NO!!! WE NEED TO IMMEDIATELY START TELLING LIES ABOUT THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT!!! EVERYBODY, START TELLING THE WORST AND GREATEST LIES YOU CAN INVENT!!! ALSO, STOP CALLING THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT... IT IS HENCEFORTH TO BE KNOWN AS OBAMACARE!!!

DISNEY-VILLIAN-LOOKING LADY RIDING A MOOSE: Obama is going to have a jury of Iranians pre-determine a death date for every American!!!

REPUBLICAN: I know it makes absolutely no sense to refer to a program that compels people to buy a service from a for-profit insurance company "socialist" BUT... do you think anybody will notice if we start calling Obamacare "socialist medicine" as another scare tactic?

REPUBLICAN 2: I don't know... I mean, it's actually like the COMPLETE FUCKING OPPOSITE OF SOCIALISM... buuuuut... yes, let's do that!

DISNEY-VILLIAN-LOOKING LADY RIDING A MOOSE: OBAMACARE = SOCIALIST EPIC FAIL #OBUMMER

BREAKING NEWS: ... something, something, Miley Cyrus...

[whispers in background: hey, should we tell the American people that these Obamacare claims from the right wing are all crazy lies?

no, this shit is WAY better for the ratings of our "news" programs than the truth would be.

Oh, okay. I will do another piece on Miley Cyrus instead maybe.

That sounds like a really good idea. I love being inside the TV.]

REPUBLICAN: Now that we've created many good and insane lies, we will be able to repeal Obamacare!

BREAKING NEWS: Everyone hates you and you still do not control the White House or the Senate soooooo I guess you will be NOT repealing Obamacare. Super sorry lolz.

REPUBLICAN: You asked for it!!! If I don't get my way, I'm going to quit playing!!! THEN NOBODY WILL HAVE A GOVERNMENT, HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?!

SANE AMERICAN CITIZEN: Wait, you're CRIPPLING the GOVERNMENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA just because you're a sore loser? You would rather INTENTIONALLY DESTROY OUR NATION than let the President implement a piece of legislation that was legally created under the rules of our constitution?! Isn't that basically terrorism?!

REPUBLICAN: NO, YOU'RE TERRORISM!!! AND MY DAD CAN BEAT UP YOUR DAD!!!

END SCENE.

A Conspiracy of Zero - SAVE AMERICA - THIS MUST GO VIRAL

I'm not usually one for numerology. In fact, I generally take a very skeptical view of conspiracy theories of any kind.

But that was before I spent some time thinking about gun control. That was before the undeniable pattern emerged.

While I could go on for hours about this most disturbing revelation, it actually requires very little commentary. The facts speak for themselves.

Please consider the following...

1. The number of guns the Obama Administration has taken away from law-abiding citizens: ZERO
2. Visually, ZERO looks like a seed or an egg--something from which something new (i.e., a NEW WORLD ORDER) will spring forth.
3. The total number of words President Obama has added to, or removed from, the 2nd Amendment since taking office: ZERO
4. Mayan representations of ZERO allude to the extreme importance that culture gave to the non-number. The Mayan version of ZERO was a glyph known as the COSMIC SPIRAL. And, as far as I know, prophecies related to Mayan culture have never been wrong.
5. The total number of hunting scenarios and real-world self-defense situations that require the use of more than ten bullets at a time: ZERO
6. Common symbolic/spiritual interpretations of ZERO include nothingness, the void, and DEATH.
7. Obama was born on 8/4/1961. 4 into 8 equals one-half. 1 x 9 x 6 x 1 = 54. Half of 54 is 27. 27 x 0 = ZERO.

These undeniably-connected dots are troubling enough on their own. But it becomes even scarier when we consider why all of Obama's clues are pointing to ZERO.

Through a strange coincidence, ZERO is actually the year of Jesus Christ's birth! As such, it stands to reason that Obama is setting himself up as a Christ figure (or Antichrist?) by his many subtle connections to the number ZERO.

Please share this information before it's too late. I fear the end is close for me once they find out what I've discovered.

MSM Fails to Report Effects of Fukushima Nuclear Disaster in United States

Two years after the fact, the full effects of the Fukushima meltdown are still being realized, not only in Japan, but on the west coast of the United States. And the mainstream media has been oddly silent about it.

According to recently released studies, children born in affected U.S. States (Alaska, California, Oregon, Washington, and Hawaii) in the four months after the March 2011 nuclear disaster were more than 25 percent more likely to be afflicted with a type of thyroid disease that can lead to permanent physical and mental problems.

The specific condition being seen in elevated rates in these states is called congenital hypothyroidism. "Congenital" refers to a condition that is evident from birth; hypothyroidism refers to a missing, underdeveloped, or low-functioning thyroid gland. The thyroid is an important, mufti-functional gland implicated in everything from regulating physical growth and hormones to proper brain development. The typical rate of congenital hypothyroidism worldwide is about 1 in every 3,500 children. The increased rate in west-coast America after the Fukushima disaster would have been around 1 in 2,800.

The heightened risk in Alaska, California, Oregon, Washington and Hawaii-born children in spring 2011 was evident when comparing congenital hypothyroidism numbers from the same period of time in 2010, and also when compared to the rates of congenital hypothyroidism in the rest of the United States.

The believed cause of all this is the radioactive isotope iodine-131. Significant amounts of this isotope were created during the Fukushima meltdown; they gathered in the air and fell across Pacific nations and the west coast of the United States during regular rain and snowfall after the nuclear event in Japan. The existence of iodine-131 was first discovered in the 1930s, by researchers in the United States. Iodine-131 has a half-life of only eight days (compared to iodine-129, which has a half-life of over 15 million years, for example) so the west coast should not see any continued effects.

Ironically, iodine-131 has many useful medical applications--particularly in diagnosing thyroid conditions, and also in radiation therapy.

The sub-story here is the lack of media coverage regarding these findings. To be fair, the health of our children could have easily been buried on the back page. After all, with Justin Bieber fighting paparazzos, President Obama calling an attractive woman attractive, and Amanda Bynes still being awesome as fuck, we just haven't had time to cover the small stuff.

Hardcase McDougal Freedomfest 4 Patriots!!! Please Share!

We recently previewed Keith Blackwater's debut novel, Hardcase McDougal and the Huge Fucking Mystery. Well, for the next five days (starting Tuesday) you can get the e-version (Kindle) TOTALLY FREE!!!

Ain't that some shit?!

Guaranteed Pick Up Lines that Work

I once wrote an article full of Awesome Pick Up Lines, and it was really popular and got lots of people laid hundreds of times. Not a day goes by where I don't get at least ten phone calls from strangers saying, “Yo! I read your pick up lines. I was skeptical at first, but I was amazed to find out that they really work! My shit is all raw 'cause I've been rad-donging hot babes left and right ever since I went on the internet that day!” And I'm all like, “Yeah? That's cool.”

 

So anyway, I decided to write a follow-up article. Here are 25 more pick up lines that work! Guaranteed! *

1. Do you have a library card? Because you should probably check out some books on makeup and fashion—just saying.
2. I'm sorry, I'm really bad at talking to girls. But I just think you're super pretty and I'd love to buy you a drink. Sike, ho! Give me several dollars and go wait in the car!!!
3. Damn girl! If being sexy was a crime... well, then we'd be living in a fucked-up police state. Wanna go to my uncle's house and hear him complain about Obama? He touched me when I was little, but we get along pretty good now.
4. [As she's leaving] Hey girl, aren't you forgetting something?
   [Girl] What?
   [You] Your purse!
   [You steal her purse and run to your house and she probably follows you. She'll act pretty mad, but then someday like at your 25^th wedding anniversary she'll look back on it and laugh.]
5. You like to live dangerously, girl? I have three STDs and an expired condom, so wussup?
6. Yo baby, you must be a broom... because there's a bunch of dirt and shit in your hair. Would you like to have sex using my penis?
7. Yo, I'd love to practice safe sex... if they made condoms that fit me... unfortunately, they always slip off.
8. Yo, I got a two-inch wiener and I'm a compulsive liar... wanna not go not have sex on opposite day?!
9. [You] You have five seconds to give me your phone number.
   [Her] Or what?
   [You] Or the fucking bomb goes off, what the fuck do you think?!
10. Actually we're only second cousins so it doesn't matter. I asked your mom about it and she says it's cool if I rad-dong you.
11. Girl, are you from Tennessee? Because you're an idiot.
12. I have weird foreskin that I can actually tie in a knot out in front of the head of my penis like a garbage bag, so we're going to save a ton of money on condoms.
13. Your dad must have been a Satanic Cult Priest, because you seem like a fucking weirdo. I like your tits though.
14. Sup baby? Wanna feed me pizza rolls and bathe me with baby wipes while I play Skyrim for 72 hours?
15. [You] Excuse me? Did you say something?
    [Her] No.
    [Then you have sexual intercourse with her.]
16. Hello, I'm Keith Blackwater.
17. If I said you had a great body, would you hold my beer while I rad-dong your sister in the bathroom?
18. What's up, girl? My mom does my laundry.
19. How do you like your eggs? Just kidding, you're not allowed to sleep over, but I'll give you a ten-minute grace period to clean off my dong syrup before you jog home. Bring your own towel, please. Mine are rather expensive.
20. Don't worry, I won't brag about you to my friends; I don't have any friends.
21. Don't worry, I won't brag about you to my friends; you're not attractive and I'm only interested in entering you because I'm intoxicated beyond the point that I can make good choices.
22. Don't worry, I won't brag about you to my friends; they're usually pretty cool, but there's no sense in incriminating myself.
23. Hey girl, I once wasted two minutes reading a list of 25 guaranteed pick up lines that work, and it wasn't that bad... all I'm asking is that you waste two minutes letting me insert and remove my penis rapidly into the orifice of your choice. I will let you watch my Game of Thrones Blu-Rays.
24. Yo girl, all the other guys up in here are looking for a 10. But if 3 is good enough for the Holy Trinity, it's good enough for me, A'IIIIIGHT?!
25. Would you like to make ten dollars?

*Not actually guaranteed to work. For entertainment purposes only.**

 

**But no seriously, these really are guaranteed to work, that last part was just a joke.***

 

***Just kidding.

Exclusive Preview!!! Hardcase McDougal and the Huge Fucking Mystery

Do you like special treats? Do you like super-exclusive content? Do you like being the first idiot in your group of idiot friends to discover the next super-hip pop culture sensation?!

You're in luck.

We've teamed up with emerging novelist Keith Blackwater to give you a sneak preview of his debut book, Hardcase McDougal and the Huge Fucking Mystery.

The following excerpt is from the chapter "Hot Dog!"

* * * * *

 

Hardcase McDougal woke up in a ditch, covered in a thick layer of the mud-slush-animal shit mixture typical of a Midwestern spring. It felt like a family of raccoons was having an orgy in his head. He said a quick prayer: Lord, please let this be a hangover. Because if there are actual raccoons fucking around with my ear-holes again, I swear to you I will burn down every hospital and orphanage. Like literally all of them.

McDougal tried to stand up and take a few steps: an endeavor which went poorly. He tripped on some air and retreated back to his starting point in the ditch by way of a mildly amusing barrel roll.

“Walk much?” Byron mocked. He was crouched a few yards away, up out of the ditch in the middle of a dirt road. He appeared to be starting a fire with a small mound of garbage and dried leaves. He looked like total shit, his eyes practically swollen shut.

“Suck much cock?” McDougal shot back, trying again to stand up and faring a little better than he had on the previous attempt. “What the fuck are you doing over there?”

“Starting a cookfire. I woke up with a half package of hot dogs in my pocket and I figured we should eat them.”

“That's a good idea,” said McDougal. “But let's smoke a bunch of weed first.”

“The weed is gone, Hardcase.”

“What?!”

“We've been partying for three days, dude. Everything is gone. Even the can of Beast Ice. Don't you remember?”

“It... wait, what? My beer is gone?”

“Are you okay, Hardcase?”

“I don't know,” McDougal answered honestly. “I think... I don't know if I'm still wasted or not right now, and it's weirding me out. Does that make any sense? Did I just say words or was I mumbling a bunch of animal sounds? Do you know if I remember what words are?”

“I can't understand a fucking thing you just said,” replied Byron. “Stop making animal sounds.”

“Oh fuck,” groaned McDougal. “It's happening again.”

“No, I'm just fucking with you. And—if I had to wager a guess—I would say that you are still wasted. I base this opinion on two factors. One: we stole a half gallon of gin from the grocery store last night and drank the entire thing. Two: you've been awake for five minutes and you still apparently haven't noticed that you're nude.”

McDougal looked down. Yep—that muddy, haggard tube of flesh was his exposed dick swaying to and fro in the early afternoon breeze.

“Well, I'll be fucked,” exclaimed McDougal, and he went about the chore of looking for his clothes.

He found his fedora, duster, and badly blood-and-puke-stained Jimmy Buffett t-shirt a few yards away from where he had woken up. His gun, monocle, and other valuables were still in his jacket pockets. He never found his pants, but there was—coincidentally—a family of dead raccoons about thirty yards down the ditch. It appeared the raccoons had been sexually active recently—whether before or after dying, McDougal couldn't say. He removed an eight-inch hunting knife from the nylon sheath on his otherwise-naked calf, and expertly skinned the slutty, dead beasts.

He returned to Byron wearing a fashionably bloody pair of raccoon-skin capris. The mother raccoon's tail was fastened to the waist of the pants just below McDougal's belly-button, creating the appearance of a raccoon-tail dick. This was humorous.

He handed Byron a necklace made of raccoon intestine that had been shredded into thin strips and braided. Five hastily-cleaned raccoon skulls were strung on it like giant pearls.

“I made this for you,” said McDougal.

“Fuck yeah you did! Thanks.”

“We take from nature only what we need,” said McDougal deeply. “And we dare not use her treasures wastefully. The spirits of the animals, the rocks, the water—even the spirits of this pile of plastic and styrofoam you're burning—they are here to provide for their human masters, but only if we reciprocate by serving as their stewards in this corrupt, modern age, the age known to the ancient demigods as the Fifth Zarnakkthium. I give you this amulet as a reminder of your essential role in the delicate realm of nature-spirits.”

“This time I really don't know what the fuck you said,” Byron admitted. “But I'm keeping the necklace anyway.”

“What? I didn't say anything, you creep. Hey, cool skull necklace! What are those, kitten skulls? Where did you get that?”

“Why don't you just sit down in this gravel and make yourself comfortable? Come on, have a hot dog with me.”

After eating two lukewarm hot dogs, McDougal sobered up a bit... or did he?

“Thanks,” he said to Byron. “I needed a good home-cooked meal.”

“You're welcome, pal. Hey—what is that on your forehead?”

McDougal put a greasy hand up to his head and fondled the shrapnel wound. The healing process had begun over the last few days, but had been retarded somewhat by a lack of R.E.M.-cycle sleep and a steady diet of cheap drugs and cheaper liquor. The gash was still fairly sticky.

“I already told you,” said McDougal. “I got cut when I exploded a robot.”

“No, I mean there's something inside the cut. It's green.”

“Shit, is it infected? I had a bet with my cousin Jerry... whoever gets an infection first has to pay the other one twenty bucks. Damn, I made it almost a week.”

“Jerry? Dude, I bonehawked him at Curly's the other day. And if a chunky, foul-smelling discharge has anything to say about it, I think Jerry already lost the bet before you ever injured yourself fighting that robot—much less before the injury got infected.”

“No,” McDougal said sadly. “We both agreed that dick infections don't count.”

Byron nodded. “That's fair. But I don't think this thing on your head is an infection anyway. Hold still.” He pulled a pair of rusty tweezers from a small pocket on his safari jacket.

McDougal protested, “You're not putting those things inside an open wound.”

“Don't be a pussy,” Byron said reassuringly. “Besides, I use these to smoke roaches all the time, so they get pretty warm on a regular basis—probably sterile as shit.”

“Hopefully even a little more sterile than shit.”

“Right. Now don't fucking move.”

Byron began extracting the foreign object from McDougal's injury with hands that were as calm and steady as a well-beaten chihuahua going through alcohol detox.

“Fuck!” screamed McDougal. “That fucking hurt, you dumb pile of fuck!”

“Almost got it,” said Byron, deciding to take the high road and ignore the name-calling. But then that's just the kind of guy Byron Wilson was. That kind of guy, and also an emotionally-crippled drug abuser kind of guy with a badly-damaged sense of morality, and also, by a lot of folk's accounts, a dumb pile of fuck kind of guy. Yeah, he was that kind of guy all right... or was he?

“There!” Byron exclaimed, holding up the tweezers triumphantly. They were tweezing a flat piece of bloody green plastic about one-inch square.

“Oh my stars! What is that?” asked McDougal, taking the object in one hand and flipping his multifunctional spy monocle into place with the other.

He turned the magnification on the monocle up to maximum and examined the plastic shard carefully. A roadmap of thin gold lines on one side told him that it was most likely a broken-off corner from a circuit board. White lettering was visible on the other side.

UNDIK

USTRIES

McDougal removed his monocle and asked Byron, “Do you know anything about Undik Ustries?”

Byron thought for a moment. “No, I don't think—aww, man! Wait a minute. Isn't that the Russian mail-order bride I knocked up? Did she fucking hire you to find me and make me pay child support?! I thought we were friends, Hardcase.”

“No,” said McDougal. “Her name was Undiknia Ustrivicanavic. And she was my Russian mail-order bride. Friend.”

“Oh, shit, yeah. Whatever happened to her anyway?”

“I delivered your baby myself, sold it to a barren jew woman for fifty thousand dollars, then shot her.”

“So what happened to the baby if you shot this Jewish lady? And I know its not my place to tell you what's what, but I'm pretty sure it's called armed robbery when you take fifty thousand dollars from somebody and then shoot them.”

“I didn't shoot the jew woman, dumbass.”

“Oh, you shot the baby?! Did the woman want her money back?”

“Of course she wanted her money back; she was a jew. But no, I didn't shoot the fucking baby. I shot Undiknia because I had an anger problem in those days and I was upset that she had taken your boner and put it inside of herself.”

“Oh, right. Yeah, I guess that makes more sense.”

“More sense than Undik Ustries,” McDougal grumbled, handing the jagged piece of circuit board to Byron. “It looks like some of the letters might be missing along the left edge where it broke off.”

Byron examined the item for a couple of seconds. “Roundik Industries?”

The two men looked at each other and said, “Fletcher Roundik!” simultaneously.

“Maybe we should pay our old pal Fletcher a visit,” said McDougal.

“Yeah,” agreed Byron. “But we need to get back to town first. Where the fuck are we anyway?”

“Why y'all is out in the gaw-damn woods!” shouted a zany hillbilly voice.

“Who said that?” demanded McDougal. He reached for his gun.

“Why, I done said it!” A zany hillbilly sauntered out of the woods. He was barefoot and dirty, with a red flannel shirt and a long-ass white beard crusted with animal shit and old tobacco. He grinned broadly, showing what was left of his teeth: a single, brown nub on the bottom gum.

“Okay,” said Hardcase McDougal.

“Y'all ain't with the police-law, is ya?” asked the grimy old retard.

Byron bluffed, “What if we are?”

The old thing cackled demonically and performed the faintest hint of a jig. “Why, if you was the police-law, me and my boys'd hafta kill ya dead into the ground like a bear-hound that done turned queer!”

“We aren't police,” McDougal assured him.

The old man cackled again. “Well that's fine! That's just fine!” Suddenly the man was playing a fiddle; McDougal couldn't guess where the instrument had come from. He played it rather poorly and it was out of tune besides.

McDougal began to lose the little bit of patience he hadn't realized he possessed to begin with. “What are you doing out here, old man? You making moonshine?”

“Who's askin'?”

“A customer, maybe.”

“'Fraid I ain't. Truth be to Jesus, all I'm's doin's out here's cookin' a little bit o' crystal meth. You boys wouldn't wanna buy a little baggie of ice, would'ye?”

“No,” said Hardcase McDougal. “We certainly wouldn't.” He glared at the hillbilly and shook his head in disgust. “And by the way, I find it pretty fucked up that you would insinuate it's okay to kill a hunting dog for being gay. For fuck's sake, man, it's... Byron, what year is it?”

“I have absolutely no idea, dude.”

“It's at least the nineties probably,” McDougal said with a degree of confidence. “So either grow up, or go die somewhere because decent people in the modern world aren't going to tolerate your intolerant bullshit.”

“Well, shucks,” said the hillbilly. He looked down and kicked a tin can sadly as if to admit that he knew, deep down inside, that his entire existence was a mistake. Then he vanished back into the woods, as if he had never been there at all.

“Wait a minute,” said Byron. “Why didn't we get some meth?”

McDougal chuckled at his naive friend. “Call me a snob, but I don't buy meth that's been cooked outdoors. They use creek water in these backwoods operations.”

Byron's dumb stare said plainly that he didn't see the problem with that.

McDougal lowered his voice to a whisper and explained, “Minnows poop and fart in those creeks.” He tried not to giggle when he said it, but a little titter slipped out around the word fart.

“Oh, okay,” said Byron. “Well anyway, that was pretty weird. And we're no closer to getting back to town.”

McDougal just grinned. He put two filthy fingers inside his mouth and let out a loud and distinct whistle; it sounded like a cross between a post-hibernation bear queef and the murderous scream of a falcon with nothing left to lose.

“Cool whistling skills, dude,” said Byron. “But what exactly—“

Suddenly, Boy trotted out of the woods. The bastard mongrel was riddled with ticks and lice, but in good spirits, and almost certainly drunk.

“Good Boy!” said McDougal, affectionately punching his dog square in the snout.

“Cool dog trick, dude,” said Byron. “But what exactly—”

McDougal shushed Byron with a gentle slap and unzipped a vinyl satchel attached to Boy's collar. The first thing he took out was a pint of whiskey. He chugged half and handed the rest to Byron. He reached back into the satchel and began to pull out a series of collapsible aluminum rods and assorted plastic fittings.

Byron sipped on the whiskey. “Cool tent poles, dude, but what exactly—”

“It's not a tent, fuckdick,” interrupted McDougal with great wit and precision.

“Cool ability to call someone a fuckdick, dude, but what exactly are you doing?!”

The detective continued assembling the aluminum rods until he had fashioned a structure that looked like a dog sled, more or less.

He removed the last item from Boy's satchel: a length of parachute cord. He used it to hook the sled up to Boy's collar, and then he stepped onto his contraption.

“All aboard the Boner Express!” McDougal announced gleefully.

“I have no idea why I'm friends with you,” Byron muttered. He stepped onto the ridiculous dogsled behind McDougal and wrapped his arms around the detective's chest out of necessity.

“Probably because you want to fuck me,” quipped McDougal expertly. “Mush! Mush, Boy! Mush!”

Boy galloped majestically down the dirt road, the sled skidding along the gravel and mud behind him, just like on a Christmas card.

 

* * * * *

 

Yeah. You're right. This book is going to change the world.

To keep up with all things McDougal, connect with Mr. Blackwater on his Facebook page (http://www.facebook.com/Hardcase.McDougal.) And watch out for Hardcase McDougal and the Huge Fucking Mystery on Amazon this spring!

GOOD DAY! Trapped in a Love Triangle with Patcharin Thanakorn and Patricia Oliveira

The internet scam industry is alive and well. So is loneliness. Here's the moderately-boring result of my loneliness and somebody's scam colliding!

-----Original Message-----
From: Gladys Lituma Aguero glituma@inen.sld.pe
Subject: GOOD DAY

I am Mrs. Patricia Oliveira, I have Charity assignment on physically challenged persons and orphanage. get back for more details if interested.

* * * * *

Hi Patricia, thanks for contacting me. You have found the right person for this charity assignment--I have spent most of my life working with physically challenged persons and orphanage, and I am always looking for the next opportunity!

I am sad to inform you that I have been scammed before by people trying to take advantage of my charity assignment-loving nature, but I feel good about this opportunity. I can tell that you have a good heart. I had an uncle named Patricia, and an aunt named Gladys.

Could you please send me some more details so we can get started on our god-given mission?

GOOD DAY!!!

Trent X Sandusky

legitimateopportunities@realemail.net

* * * * *

From: "MR. PATCHARIN THANAKORN OFFICE-THAILAND" remittance-manager@live.com

Subject: RE: GOOD DAY

WE WANT TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR FUND($$450,000)OR NOT.

* * * * *

[NOTE: I had no idea what might have happened to Patricia or her alter-ego Gladys at this point; I could only assume they had all been violently murdered by Mister Patcharin. My instincts told me to roll with the new direction the case had taken.]

Dearest Mister Patcharin,

How are you? How are your wife and children? I am sad to inform you that I have NOT recieved my funds of $450,000 yet, which is a deep concern to me because my XBox Live Gold Membership recently expired, and $450,000 would go a long way to help me renew it. I know $450,000 is not a big deal to most Americans, but for me it would help out greatly. Please advise what I must do to collect the funds.

Thanks bonerman!

Trent X Sandusky

legitimateopportunities@realemail.net

* * * * *

From: "MR. PATCHARIN THANAKORN OFFICE-THAILAND" remittance-manager@live.com

Subject: RE: GOOD DAY

TOYOTA CAR LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS THAILAND,
CUSTOMER SERVICE DEPARTMENT TOYOTA
MOTOR CORPORATIONS, THAILAND. 92/4
SATHON NUA RD. FL 17 SATHORN THANI 2
BLDG SILOM, BANG RAK, SILOM,
BANGKOK 10500, THAILAND.
Customer Service Department.

ATTENTION: TRENT X SANDUSKY,
I AM MR. PATCHARIN THANAKORN THE NEW REMITTANCE MANAGER OF TOYOTA MOTORS CORPORATION LTD(THAILAND), AND CONTACTING TO NOTIFY YOU THAT YOUR WINNING FUND OF (US$450,000.00) HAS BEEN APPROVED FOR IMMEDIATE TRANSFER TO YOU IN YOUR BANK ACCOUNT..
YOU ARE ADVICE TO PROCEED WITH THIS FORM BELOW BY FILLING IT AND SEND IT BACK TO US IMMEDIATELY FOR REFERENCE IN YOUR FILE. NOTE. THERE SHOULD NOT BE ANY MISTAKE IN OTHER NOT TO ATTRACT CANCELLATION..
Beneficiary name----------------------------
Address--------------------------------
Telephone-----------------------------
Occupation.......................
Country......................
Sex...........................
APPROVAL FOR PAYMENT. THIS FORM IS TO ENABLE US HAVE A COMPREHENSIVE INFORMATION ABOUT THE PRIZE WINNER.FILL IT AND SEND IT BACK TO US FOR YOUR DOCUMENTS OF CLAIM.
NOTE THAT EVERY NECESSARY DOCUMENTATIONS AND PAPER WORKS HAS BEEN PROCESSED IN YOUR FAVOR, AND WE NOW WAITS FOR YOUR EMAIL AND INFORMATION TO ENABLE THE BANK TO TRANSFER YOUR WINNING FUND TO YOU. WE VOW PROMISE AND ASSURE YOU THAT UPON THE RECEIPT OF YOUR EMAIL RESPONSE AND DETAILED TRANSFER INFORMATION, THE BANK SHALL PROCEED WITH THE IMMEDIATE TRANSFER OF YOUR WINNING FUNDS WITHOUT ANY FURTHER DELAY.
NOTE: ALL PRIZE WINNERS ARE TO CLAIM THEIR PRIZE ON OR BEFORE THE 30TH OF OCTOBER 2012.
ANTICIPATING YOUR IMMEDIATE ACTION AND RESPONSE
REMITTANCE MANAGER
MR. PATCHARIN THANAKORN
PHONE CONTACT: +66800728539
TOYOTA MOTORS CORPORATION LTD.
www.Toyota.co.th
(Co-ordinator on fund remittance and international Transfer).

* * * * *

Woah woah woah. I'm starting to see some red flags here... I don't really mind the fact that you first e-mailed me from Citibank Customer Service and you are now e-mailing me from TOYOTA CAR LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS... I get that. I know small businesses change their names all the time. What I'm worried about is the fact that you used the word "advice" instead of the correct form "advised" in the phrase "you are advice [sic] to proceed...". Can you please send me some sort of reassurance that you are not a scammer?

Anyway, nevermind all that, I would hate to delay my funds from being transferred as I am dying of several bone diseases and need the money to pay the electric bills for my breathing and heart machines for another month. Worst of all, I still need my XBox Live Gold membership renewed. The information you've requested is below. Thanks!

Beneficiary name: TRENTWARD XAVIER SANDUSKY
Address: P.O. BOX 900, LOS ANGELES, CA, 90212, UNITED STATES
Telephone: 1-857-288-3500
Occupation: Unemployed
Country: United States of America
Sex: YES PLEASE!!! LOL!!! JK I am MALE.

Trent X Sandusky

legitimateopportunities@realemail.net

* * * * *

From: "MR. PATCHARIN THANAKORN OFFICE-THAILAND" remittance-manager@live.com

Subject: RE: GOOD DAY

TOYOTA CAR LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS THAILAND,
CUSTOMER SERVICE DEPARTMENT
TOYOTA MOTOR CORPORATIONS, THAILAND. 92/4
SATHON NUA RD. FL 17 SATHORN THANI 2
BLDG SILOM, BANG RAK, SILOM,
BANGKOK 10500, THAILAND.
Customer Service Department.

ATTENTION:TRENTWARD XAVIER SANDUSKY,
MR. EARL AMBY HAS SEND YOU $5,000,00. IN YOUR NAME TODAY.

WE GLAD TO INFORM YOU THAT VERIFICATION OF THE INFORMATION SENT TO US BY YOU WAS SUBMITTED TO COUNTRY CONSULATE HERE IN NIGERIA FOR SCREENING AND VERIFICATION. WE RECEIVED A TELEGRAM STATING THAT ALL YOUR DATA SUBMITTED HAVE CONFIRMED CORRECT, (IT CORRESPONDED WITH WHAT WE HAVE ON RECORD FROM THE IMF, WE NEEDED MORE VERIFICATION TO PAYING THE WRONG BENEFICIARY).
CLICK ON THE WESTERN UNION LINK BELOW TO TRACK THE PAYMENT INFORMATION ONLINE FOR CONFIRMATION, HERE IS YOUR FIRST INSTALLMENT OF $5,000 DETAILS, YOU CAN AS WELL CHECK IT AVAILABILITY ON OUR WEBSITE (https://wumt.westernunion.com/asp/orderStatus.asp?country=global) DUE TO THE WESTERN UNION POLICY, THE MAXIMUM TRANSFER WE CAN MAKE AT ONCE IS $5,000 PER TRANSACTION AND WE ALSO HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE TO YOU THAT THE TOTAL SUM OF $10,000($5,000 EACH) WAS PROGRAMMED IN YOUR FAVOR THIS MORNING WITH THE MTCN

PAYMENT INFORMATION BELOW:-

MTCN: 1158462502
Sender’s First Name: Earl
Sender’s Last Name: Amby
Receivers Name: TRENTWARD XAVIER SANDUSKY
Location: USA
Test Question: How much?
Test Answer: $5,000.00

PLEASE NOTE, THAT YOU CAN NOT PICK UP THE MONEY RIGHT AWAY BECAUSE OF THE CODE PLACE ON IT(STOP ORDER) BECAUSE THERE WAS NO INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE FILE(IRF) FOR SWIFT TRANSFER AND DOCUMENTATION OF YOUR FUNDS AS ENSHRINED IN THE IMF POLICY, IT IS ONLY WHEN THE PROPER DOCUMENTATION (INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE FILE) IS OBTAINED BY YOU THAT YOU WILL WALK INTO ANY WESTERN UNION OUTLET AROUND YOU AND PICK UP YOUR FIRST INSTALLMENT PAYMENT OF $10, 000 OF YOUR FUNDS, AND AFTERWARDS HAVE THE SECOND INSTALLMENT REMITTED TO YOU. YOU ARE PROGRAMMED TO RECEIVE $10,000 DAILY UNTIL YOUR FUND OF $450,000,00. IS TRANSFERRED TO YOU THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER MEANS.

YOU HAVE HEREBY ADVISED TO PROCEED TO ANY WESTERN UNION OUTLET CLOSER TO YOU AND MAKE THE PAYMENT OF $255.00 TO THE RECEIVING OFFICER, WHICH WOULD BE USED TO PURCHASE YOUR INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE FILE (IRF) WHICH WOULD AFFECT THE RELEASE OF YOUR FUNDS TO YOU VIA WESTERN UNION WITH THE INFORMATION ABOVE.

BELOW IS THE PAYMENT INFORMATION OF THE RECEIVING OFFICER YOU WILL USE FOR THE WESTERN UNION TRANSFER:-

Receivers name: EARL AMBY
Receivers location: London
Test question: Your code
Answer: 147

UPON RECEIPT OF THE $255, YOUR INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE FILE (IRF) WILL BE PURCHASED AND A COPY SEND TO YOU FOR RECORDS AND THE IMF TO ENABLE YOUR FUNDS RELEASED TO YOU. YOU ARE TO SEND THE THIS OFFICE AND COPY TO THE RECEIVING OFFICER (THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION WHEN YOU ARE THROUGH WITH TRANSFER). THIS IS TO ENABLE THE RECEIVING OFFICER PICK UP THE MONEY TO PURCHASE YOUR INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE FILE, AND UPLOAD YOUR DETAILS TO AFFECT A SWIFT RELEASE OF YOUR FUNDS TO YOU:-

GET BACK WITH THE FOLLOWING:-

Senders name:
Sender’s location:
Amount:
MTCN (control number):

MAKE SURE YOU MAKE THE PAYMENT WITH THE INFORMATION GIVEN TO YOU ABOVE AND MAKE SURE YOU SEND THE ABOVE DETAILS OF THE PAYMENT TO THIS BANK AFTER MAKING PAYMENT VIA WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER FOR THE PURCHASE OF YOUR INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE FILE TO AFFECT THE TRANSFER OF YOUR FUNDS.

NOTE, THAT YOUR FUNDS WILL BE TRANSFERRED BACK TO IMF HEADQUARTERS UNDER 72HOURS IF YOU DON'T MEET WITH OUR REQUIREMENT OF PROCUREMENT OF YOUR INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE FILE, AND CHARGES CAN NOT BE DEDUCTED FROM THE FUNDS, AS WE HAVE RULES AND REGULATIONS BINDING THIS TRANSFER AS DIRECTED BY INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUNDS AND SECONDLY, THERE IS AN INSURANCE BOND PLACE ON YOUR FUND WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ANYONE TO DEDUCT A CENT FROM YOUR FUND OF $450,000,00.E FOR ANYONE TO DEDUCT A CENT FROM YOUR FUND OF $450,000,00.

REMITTANCE MANAGER

MR. PATCHARIN THANAKORN
PHONE CONTACT: +66800728539
TOYOTA MOTORS CORPORATION LTD.
www.Toyota.co.th
(Co-ordinator on fund remittance and international Transfer).

* * * * *

Hello again, good Mister Patches!

I am very excited about this opportunity, but I have encountered a small problem. I have tried over and over again to send the $255 to our mutual friend Earl Amby for the release of my International Remittance File (or IRF, as we call them in the business) but the agent at the counter keeps insisting that they cannot accept funds in food stamps. For reasons I still do not fully understand, they refused to provide me with the MTCN number that I need to confirm the transfer. I fear I may be the victim of some sort of discrimination, because they looked at me kind of disgusted-like when I said that I needed to send the $255 dollars to Nigeria. Maybe they have dealt with Earl Amby before--he can be somewhat of a handful, but I'm sure I don't need to tell you that. Anyway, do you think there is some sort of criminal action we can take against these folks who refused to send my funds? I really need to get that IRF so I can stack my paper, y'heard?

Also, this detail probably makes no difference, but I was not actually at a Western Union when I attempted to transfer the funds to Earl Amby. It was more of a Taco Bell. But I really don't see how that would matter.

Yours always,

Trent X Sandusky

legitimateopportunities@realemail.net