Reasons to Give Up on Life

Disclaimer: this article contains reasons and rationales for "quitting life" in an abstract sense: quitting your meaningless career, closing your failing business, putting your box of hobby-related items back in the garage, or finally leaving your ridiculous spouse. You know--little things. If you're considering "quitting life" in a more literal sense, you should stop reading this article and visit this website instead.

This whole "life" thing is pretty difficult. But should you dare to acknowledge this fact out loud, your friends and family will inevitably tell you to hang in there, follow your dreams, and reach for the stars. When the going gets tough, the tough get going, because after all, you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. After the rain comes a rainbow, and no painbow equals no gainbow.

But those encouraging words are worth little when you realize that anything that can possibly go wrong will go wrong. For every step forward, you take two steps back. And when you look for meaningful help, all you find is a facetious online article filled with unabashed cliche-dropping.

Contrary to popular rhetoric, simply giving up on life is actually kind of difficult. Mostly because you don't want to look like some jerk--quitters never win, after all--nor do you want to explain your decision to the aforementioned friends and family. Thankfully, there are many valid reasons to give up on life. Whether you need talking points for your churchgoing aunt or your impressionable nephew, here are some angles from which you can defend your decision to quit life.

Health
Countless studies have proven a very real link between stress and serious physical health problems. Is "succeeding" in life worth an extended stay in the hospital--or an early grave?

Religious
Before contemporary Republicans hijacked and copyrighted the concept of religion, the Judeo-Christian tradition was actually pretty clear in its teachings that wealth and vanity (i.e., being successful in the modern world) were not only sins, but really extreme sins. (The idea being that anyone who wants to hoard riches and demand respect from others is trying to put themselves on a god-like level.) Like, if stealing is Cool Ranch Doritos, then being rich is Doritos Jacked X-Treme Habanero Buffalo. To make matters worse, the American idea of success generally promotes stealing, so now you're both kinds of Doritos in the Lord's eyes. Is "succeeding" in life really worth your immortal soul?

Philosophical
The definition of philosophy is thinking something or other about life and then saying it in a deep way. So basically all you have to do to justify giving up on philosophical grounds is follow two simple steps. First, you have to want to give up on life, which you already do because you just searched the internet for reasons to do it. The second step is to say something clever like, "Hey, man, is 'succeeding' in life really worth the burden of inner unhappiness and spiritual disturbance that it will cost me in the long run?"

Metaphysical
Every decision we make creates a parallel universe in which we made any number of other decisions. This is actual, real science. (I know, right?!) Think back on all the terrible decisions you've made, then take comfort in knowing that a universe exists in which you weren't such an idiot. You (a different you, but still a you-like entity that intersected with your existence at some point in the past) are actually already brilliant and successful somewhere in the vapors of space-time. Is "succeeding" in life really worth all that time and effort when you've already succeeded in an infinite number of other universes?

Geological
Scientifically-speaking, we are overdue for super-volcanoes, fire tornadoes, and geomagnetic reversal. So, basically, what's the point? If the world explodes tomorrow, what should you be doing tonight? Cracking a beer and playing the Wii with your kids? Or finishing a spreadsheet because your boss "never learned how to Excel?"

Intellectual
Is "succeeding" in life really worth anything in a system that allows Kenny Chesney, Donald Trump, and the gang from Pawn Stars to succeed in life?