It's a very confusing time to be an American. The Government claims to be shutting down, but they still want us to pay taxes so they can continue collecting paychecks even after laying themselves off. Then, on the other side of town, you have Obama foaming at the mouth, just waiting for the government to turn itself on again so that he can force your doctor to give you a surgery that makes you gay (so that while you're in recovery from said surgery his secret Chinese police can take your guns away.)
All joking aside (and that was a joke, by the way... in reality, Obama's secret police are managed by Mexican drug cartels) the events leading up to the government shutdown are as confusing as they are unsettling. Perhaps the only thing more unclear is what Obamacare actually is.
So basically I'm going to explain it now as a favor to my fellow countrymen... feel free to get friends together and stage a dramatic reading.
REPUBLICAN: We need to end entitlement programs! We've become a nation of freeloading welfare queens. We must find ways to stop people from abusing the system!!!
BREAKING NEWS: The Affordable Care Act has been signed into law and will take effect in 2014! This law requires ALL AMERICANS to purchase their own health care. This will STOP FREELOADERS FROM ABUSING THE SYSTEM. No longer will scumbags be able to simply walk into emergency rooms for medical care and never pay, leaving the rest of us hardworking Americans to foot the bill. Now EVERYONE will be responsible for THEIR OWN HEALTH CARE COSTS, and only those who legitimately qualify for government-subsidized health care programs will receive any sort of free or discounted medical services.
REPUBLICAN: Hooray! No more dirtbags scamming free health care on the taxpayer dime! Also, all of my rich insurance executive friends will make even more profits! The Affordable Care Act sounds great!
BREAKING NEWS: The Affordable Care Act was a black guy's idea.
REPUBLICAN: OH MY GOD, NO!!! WE NEED TO IMMEDIATELY START TELLING LIES ABOUT THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT!!! EVERYBODY, START TELLING THE WORST AND GREATEST LIES YOU CAN INVENT!!! ALSO, STOP CALLING THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT... IT IS HENCEFORTH TO BE KNOWN AS OBAMACARE!!!
DISNEY-VILLIAN-LOOKING LADY RIDING A MOOSE: Obama is going to have a jury of Iranians pre-determine a death date for every American!!!
REPUBLICAN: I know it makes absolutely no sense to refer to a program that compels people to buy a service from a for-profit insurance company "socialist" BUT... do you think anybody will notice if we start calling Obamacare "socialist medicine" as another scare tactic?
REPUBLICAN 2: I don't know... I mean, it's actually like the COMPLETE FUCKING OPPOSITE OF SOCIALISM... buuuuut... yes, let's do that!
DISNEY-VILLIAN-LOOKING LADY RIDING A MOOSE: OBAMACARE = SOCIALIST EPIC FAIL #OBUMMER
BREAKING NEWS: ... something, something, Miley Cyrus...
[whispers in background: hey, should we tell the American people that these Obamacare claims from the right wing are all crazy lies?
no, this shit is WAY better for the ratings of our "news" programs than the truth would be.
Oh, okay. I will do another piece on Miley Cyrus instead maybe.
That sounds like a really good idea. I love being inside the TV.]
REPUBLICAN: Now that we've created many good and insane lies, we will be able to repeal Obamacare!
BREAKING NEWS: Everyone hates you and you still do not control the White House or the Senate soooooo I guess you will be NOT repealing Obamacare. Super sorry lolz.
REPUBLICAN: You asked for it!!! If I don't get my way, I'm going to quit playing!!! THEN NOBODY WILL HAVE A GOVERNMENT, HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?!
SANE AMERICAN CITIZEN: Wait, you're CRIPPLING the GOVERNMENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA just because you're a sore loser? You would rather INTENTIONALLY DESTROY OUR NATION than let the President implement a piece of legislation that was legally created under the rules of our constitution?! Isn't that basically terrorism?!
REPUBLICAN: NO, YOU'RE TERRORISM!!! AND MY DAD CAN BEAT UP YOUR DAD!!!
END SCENE.
