Guaranteed Pick Up Lines that Work

I once wrote an article full of Awesome Pick Up Lines, and it was really popular and got lots of people laid hundreds of times. Not a day goes by where I don't get at least ten phone calls from strangers saying, “Yo! I read your pick up lines. I was skeptical at first, but I was amazed to find out that they really work! My shit is all raw 'cause I've been rad-donging hot babes left and right ever since I went on the internet that day!” And I'm all like, “Yeah? That's cool.”

 

So anyway, I decided to write a follow-up article. Here are 25 more pick up lines that work! Guaranteed! *

1. Do you have a library card? Because you should probably check out some books on makeup and fashion—just saying.
2. I'm sorry, I'm really bad at talking to girls. But I just think you're super pretty and I'd love to buy you a drink. Sike, ho! Give me several dollars and go wait in the car!!!
3. Damn girl! If being sexy was a crime... well, then we'd be living in a fucked-up police state. Wanna go to my uncle's house and hear him complain about Obama? He touched me when I was little, but we get along pretty good now.
4. [As she's leaving] Hey girl, aren't you forgetting something?
   [Girl] What?
   [You] Your purse!
   [You steal her purse and run to your house and she probably follows you. She'll act pretty mad, but then someday like at your 25^th wedding anniversary she'll look back on it and laugh.]
5. You like to live dangerously, girl? I have three STDs and an expired condom, so wussup?
6. Yo baby, you must be a broom... because there's a bunch of dirt and shit in your hair. Would you like to have sex using my penis?
7. Yo, I'd love to practice safe sex... if they made condoms that fit me... unfortunately, they always slip off.
8. Yo, I got a two-inch wiener and I'm a compulsive liar... wanna not go not have sex on opposite day?!
9. [You] You have five seconds to give me your phone number.
   [Her] Or what?
   [You] Or the fucking bomb goes off, what the fuck do you think?!
10. Actually we're only second cousins so it doesn't matter. I asked your mom about it and she says it's cool if I rad-dong you.
11. Girl, are you from Tennessee? Because you're an idiot.
12. I have weird foreskin that I can actually tie in a knot out in front of the head of my penis like a garbage bag, so we're going to save a ton of money on condoms.
13. Your dad must have been a Satanic Cult Priest, because you seem like a fucking weirdo. I like your tits though.
14. Sup baby? Wanna feed me pizza rolls and bathe me with baby wipes while I play Skyrim for 72 hours?
15. [You] Excuse me? Did you say something?
    [Her] No.
    [Then you have sexual intercourse with her.]
16. Hello, I'm Keith Blackwater.
17. If I said you had a great body, would you hold my beer while I rad-dong your sister in the bathroom?
18. What's up, girl? My mom does my laundry.
19. How do you like your eggs? Just kidding, you're not allowed to sleep over, but I'll give you a ten-minute grace period to clean off my dong syrup before you jog home. Bring your own towel, please. Mine are rather expensive.
20. Don't worry, I won't brag about you to my friends; I don't have any friends.
21. Don't worry, I won't brag about you to my friends; you're not attractive and I'm only interested in entering you because I'm intoxicated beyond the point that I can make good choices.
22. Don't worry, I won't brag about you to my friends; they're usually pretty cool, but there's no sense in incriminating myself.
23. Hey girl, I once wasted two minutes reading a list of 25 guaranteed pick up lines that work, and it wasn't that bad... all I'm asking is that you waste two minutes letting me insert and remove my penis rapidly into the orifice of your choice. I will let you watch my Game of Thrones Blu-Rays.
24. Yo girl, all the other guys up in here are looking for a 10. But if 3 is good enough for the Holy Trinity, it's good enough for me, A'IIIIIGHT?!
25. Would you like to make ten dollars?

*Not actually guaranteed to work. For entertainment purposes only.**

 

**But no seriously, these really are guaranteed to work, that last part was just a joke.***

 

***Just kidding.